Question of the Month: Why is my child not as connected to Thrive?

This month’s question is a tough one to answer quickly and easily.  The straight answer is perseverance, commitment, and openness.

Fortunately, most kids seem to enjoy the Thrive program and make some very good (if not close) friends over the time they are in Thrive.  We more often hear examples of how kids made friendships with people they wouldn’t have in school (because of different interests typically).  Occassionally (usually toward the end of the school year) we have a parent or two tell us their son or daughter doesn’t seem to connect very well with their Thrive small group.  Parents might hear from their child things like:

• “I don’t like my Thrive Group.”
• “I don’t feel like I have anything in common with my group.”

The result of these statements in some cases ends with the child not coming to Thrive very often or perhaps not at all.   What can be done?  We want our children to love coming to church.  We want them to grow in their faith and we want them to have especially meaningful relationships with other kids and adults at church.  Here are some tips for all families with 6-8th graders in our Thrive program.

1. Don’t stop coming or better said- ATTEND!  The biggest mistake is to start coming less and less.  Coming less makes it easy to lose connections with the small group – not strengthen it.  Often we can look at attendance patterns of kids who say they didn’t connect with their Thrive group and 90% of the time their attendance was poor from the very beginning.  You simply cannot know, and have others know you, if you aren’t present.
2. Find out more from your child.  Don’t be a parent who gives in and abandons hope.  Sit down and find some alone time to ask your child why they feel the way they do.  If attendance isn’t the issue for your child what is going on?  Ask them to describe the people in their group, how does small group time go, or what they like about their Guides.  Sometimes the issue isn’t directly Thrive at all.  Often family situations (divorce, sickness, moves, etc.) can cause kids to complain about Thrive (or sports/school/other activities, etc.) as an excuse to bring up issues that bother them.  The worst thing a kid can do if they are going through problems is to push away from people who might be able to help.  We believe Thrive can be a part of helping kids in times of difficulty.  As a parent you can very often solve issues by just talking with your child and giving encouragement.  Of course we encourage all parents to check-in with their child about Thrive often, weekly if possible.  Your interest in Thrive shows it’s important to you and should be to your child.
3. Talk to your child’s Guide(s).  Occassionally a parent will tell us YEARS later their child had problems in Thrive.  Don’t wait for goodness sake.  You want the best for your child – your child’s Guide wants the best for them too.  A short “heads-up” to a Guide can help them to notice issues in the group.  If you are able to narrow down the issue with your child share it with the Guide(s).  A well-informed Guide can make sure the conversations are more inclusive and open.  Not sharing concerns with Guides is not a help to anyone. 
4. Show an interest in your child’s group.  Consider inviting the group over to your house for a movie night or (if you are really brave) a sleep-over.  Find some way to open the doors to showing your child how important it is to make and keep friendships (yes, and even with others who aren’t like you).  Friendships can be very tough in junior high/middle school and going out of our way to show hospitality to friends can be a great way to connect.  This also gives you as a parent the chance to better get to know Guides and the kids in the group.
5. Pray.  Pray for your child’s small group – from the Guide(s) to the youth.  God wants to hear our needs so bring your concerns to Him.  Encourage your child to be praying as well!
6. Realize no group is perfect.  Although we want everyone in a group to be best friends and be excited about each others’ interests and character… this rarely happens.  Small groups are indeed a great place to practice loving and respecting others even when it’s difficult, or we simply don’t want to get along.  Sounds like a family doesn’t it?
7. Your church staff is here to help.  Cheryl Park and Rob Gieraltowski are also here in addition to Thrive Guides to help figure things out.  Feel free to ask questions and discuss concerns about Thrive with them.